here i go again...

I'm trying to get some organizations to help pay for my bills because we are so behind. I'm so worried that I wouldn't be able to get help. I have an phone interview with the Family and Children's services tomorrow. I'm worried Kai will make too much money. it would just figure. we don't have enough money but as far as these organizations are concerned we have plenty of money. I'm so tired of being broke. I'm so tired of worrying about where every penny is going. I'm so tired of feeling guilty for spending more money than I should and that's only a treat here or there. I'm so tired of eating bad food to deal with my depression. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy my family. Dax has never know what we are really like. he's only known us being stressed and sad. It's not fair.

Another Gluten Free Meal

So I'm going Gluten Free for Kai. although, I gotta figure out how to make bread. I need to be able to make some GF bread for him. No bread sucks. What I need is about $200 for a real good bread maker. I wish I had money. It wouldn't be til next year before I have any extra money to spend. Today was a nice day. Kai and I got along real good and Dax only freaked out a few dozen times (LOL). Extra stress is terrible on our family. I wish we handled it better but we don't and that get's projected on Dax. He's such a sensitive little boy. He gets upset so easily. I sometimes wonder if I did something to create this. Kai says it's me...at least genetically. not that I did anything...he's just like me. which is not good. I feel bad that he's like that. ooohhh i'm hungry. Dinner's ready!

So today

seems like a better day than yesterday. I don't know what the story is but I guess it's there somewhere. This morning Kai comes into my room in a panic... he didn't load the pictures on the harddrive and his computer is acting funny. To make a long story short...he ended up yelling at me because he felt I was being sarcastic...which I was a little but not to warrent him yelling at me. So I said "I don't mind helping you, but if you're going to yell at me I'll just go upstairs and go back to sleep." It shut him up. I think I'm going to do that from now on. I'm not going to yell back or get upset...I'm just going to stop helping him. He seems to get himself into these corners and then get really freaked out when it's downto the wire. And I get the brunt of it. i'm really tired of it. I'm helping him and he's being an asshole to me.

A decision I made

Years ago I had a choice to make. It was a job I was offered as a teacher. I actually had a teaching job that I could have started. A job as a pre-k teacher. it was mine. I turned it down,to the surprise of the principal. I was scared. that is why i didn't take it. I thought I would fail...so I didn't take it. I was stupid. If I had taken that job I would NOT be here right now. I would never have met Kai and I would never have owed my family so much money. I would never have taken my families money. Of course I never would have had Dax. I may still be with Phil, although I doubt it. I wouldn't be in debt. My life would be completely different. That was the decision that I made that put me here. right here where I am now. I was afraid to take a job and now this is what my life is.

Of course, I never would have met the foo fighters or met Vicky, Dauby, Lindsay, Racheal, and many others. I would never have taken the European trip I took, although I may have taken another trip. i would never have gone to NYC when I did before the World Trade Centers collapsed.

It doesn't help to regret the decisions you made, but I sometimes wish I hadn't made the decisions out of fear. I see Dax doing that in the future. He seems to be afraid of things. He's so cautious. I don't know if i'm giving him the best like I can give him. I'm such a shut in. I hope things start getting better and I'm able to find some help to deal with my fears. If not I can see myself really having a hard time taking the steps to better myself.

I love my son. I'm so happy I have him. I wish I didn't feel like my life was a mistake.

can things get worse? I think yes

So I have to find it in me to ask my dad for more money. We don't have any money for food for the next week. I don't know what to do. I don't want to ask him for money. I don't want to hear the lecture. Kai doesn't call asking for money from anyone. It's just me. That the way our entire relationship has been. I've been the one that has to do all the asking for the hard stuff. I'm the one that always has to be the one that gives stuff up. I do without so that Kai can be comfortable. well...that's not fair but that's the way I feel. I need things to change. I need things to get easier. I'm hanging on by a thread. and it's a very thin thread. I'm so sad. I'm so frustrated. I want to just disappear into the night. leaving all behind me. sometimes I don't know if my love for Dax is strong enough to keep me here and doing this. Kai said it would be easier if he was doing this alone. NO FUCKING SHIT. he doesn't understand that I feel that same way. it would be so much easier to just take off and be by myself. I'd never had to deal with this bullshit and I could get my life back together. with him and Dax it's nearly impossible. at least it feels that way.

I'm going to spend the last $10 I have on sending the books to the people who ordered them. at least it'll get me $65. I need to put more books online in hopes that people buy them. If I can make another $45 I'll request the money and get another $100 for next week. It'll help. I guess I"m going to have to ask Dad for money. I wish I didn't have to. It really sucks.

Just another day

I got free food today. Went to a place that helps people financially and instead of getting the one bill paid (i'm going to wait for others to become due) I got a car full of food. I'll go to another place next week. I have to make an appointment to the next one. There are actually quite a few places to go to. I'll have to go once a week and get food from the different organizations. Someday I hope to pay it forward. Although, I give a lot of stuff to free cycle. So I do give. it's just not food or money. which is what i need.

Tomorrow I have to clean the house. I'm so sick of living in this mess. I could really organize it. I need to just get things in order. and get rid of stuff. oh how I could get rid of stuff. gone gone gone.

Early this morning

I'm up early because Dax and I are going to a place to ask for money to help with bills. I don't know the criteria but I certainly need help. I'll have to ask dad for more money than just the $200 if we don't get help. As it is I have $100 (if dad doesn't help) for food for 2 weeks. I'm so down. I don't know how to pick myself back up.

I suggested that Dax and I go to IL to live with dad for a while. That way I can get a job and save some money. I don't want to live with his mom. Doesn't he get that. I'm tired of that option. I know IL is far away but come on...what other choice do I have? especially if he gets a job in New Orleans. He's so ridiculous. he doesn't get that there are no options and getting mad at me doesn't help. wow...listen to me. I get mad at him all the time for stupid stuff. He pulled that bullshit about how "it would be so much easier doing this alone" Well NO FUCKING SHIT. I said fine. if that's how you feel, Dax and I will go to IL and you can do it by yourself. When it was given back to him he didn't quite like the idea. it would be easier without us. what an asshole.

sitting in front of the computer

it seems all i do is sit in front of the computer. getting more and more depressed. i hate this feeling. I feel myself sink deeper and deeper and i really don't know what to do. i think about all the things that are problematic in my life and i just feel horrible. it's dax's birthday...i shouldn't be depressed. I should be playing with him. I should be making time for him. sometimes i feel like such a lousy mother.

trying to figure out how to get money for bills

well...kai started working today. this job will not pay enough to cover our bills. i'll need to get rid of some bills. I'm actually going to ask for help from organizations in fayetteville. there are actually places that will help pay bills for a limited amount of time. Tomorrow at 8:30 i'll need to be at one such place with bills in hand. I'll also be able to get some food. which will help. I'm going to ask dad to pay for the car note. oh brother...what a mess. i'm so sick. i've never had to ask for help like this. I will definitely have to pay it forward when Kai starts making real money. I could always volunteer to help now. we'll see...i still have dax to contend with.

it's his birthday today and I have nothing special to do with him. maybe we'll go get an ice cream cone for his birthday treat. he's being so good today. playing with all his toys. I should go through his toys everyday...to get the ones at the bottom on the top. i'm giving away a box full of toys to free cycle. am i rambling?

Bills

they are coming up fast. thank god Kai's starting work tomorrow. It wouldn't be the most money but I think I can figure out a way to make it work. we'll be not spending any money on weekends...that's for sure. maybe I'll figure out a way to make money from home. I'm still selling books. I'd like to step it up a notch and sell more. there's a bit of a lull. I'd like to make another $100 before the 17th. I wish things would get easier. I guess I'm going to have to plan a trip north for tomorrow to get the car looked at. we'll see.

the let down

it seems the day after a party or get together I get so depressed. I'm just depressed all the time. im so sick of feeling sad and upset all the time. also, panicky. Anxious. all those feelings. I wish I was a more happy person. it would be better for me, Dax and even Kai. but i'm not. i'm this thing before you. upset and worried all the time. Even when I'm trying to have a good time...there's an underlying feeling of panic and depression. I guess I'm going to eventually go get some therapy. I wish we had insurance. I'd go in a heart beat.

So It's almost 10:30 and I"m waiting for Kai to get up for the day. I don't know why I want him around. we'll just end up fighting. It's like a bad drug. You want it when it's not around you but once you get it you feel like crap. good drugs aren't like that but bad ones are. I've already gone upstairs and tried to wake him up but he didn't seem interested in getting up. he's gonna have such a hard time going to sleep tonight.

I've got to try and get some memory in his new laptop. that's not going to be fun or easy. Now i'm just rambling. this isn't making me feel any bette so i'm going to stop. hopefully i'll continue this blog. I hate complaining and that seems when I do when writing a journal.

Listening to Beatlesarama.com

The streaming website that I have been listening to is Beatlesarama. All Beatles ALL the time. Actually there's other stuff too but mostly beatles. Now all I have to do is find an all BECK all the time. I want to start listening to music in the morning instead of turning the TV on right away. Dax watches too much TV. I'm a very lacks mother. I turn the tv on and just let him watch all morning.

So i'm going to buzz cut my sons beautiful hair. I'm concerned but I guess it has to be done. I wish Kai would get up already. We need to get this party started.

The saga continues

So it looks like we are going to have to shave Dax's hair off. GREAT! that's what we want. and right before his 2nd birthday party. what a pisser. I still have lice as well...but at least I'll hold my head still while Kai picks the lice and nics out. i'm so tired. I wish this whole affair was over and done with. Stress does nothing good for our relationship.

story of my life

so i'm waiting....and waiting...and waiting...

for what you may ask......

kai. i'm waiting for kai. because kai has so much he needs to get done before he can even think about getting ready so that we can get working on this lice problem. At least Dax is content with TV watching...which I feel so guilty about. He watches way too much TV but I just don't have it in me to deal with everything AND entertaining Dax. We need another child but damn i don't want to get pregnant.

Up all Night

I didn't get much sleep last night and I didn't get up early like I wanted to. But then again I was fooling myself because Dax would have woken up and Kai wouldn't have. So now I've got to get my act together and drive 1 1/2 hours to get the licemeister comb. This is the magical comb that has been recommended to work the best. we'll see.

Raining Lice

Last week, I looked at my brush and thought...I wonder what would happen if we got lice. It was just a fleeting thought, I didn't really pay attention to it. I remember thinking it though.

Last night, Dax kept itching his head...it was painfully obvious that something was wrong. That night I dreamed of Dax having lice.

So this afternoon, when I tried to get Dax's hair cut...low and behold...guess what's in his hair. That's right...LICE.

It's confirmed as of 1:30 am. I have lice and Dax has lice. Kai's not home yet so when he gets home I'll confirm it on him. But I'm sure he has them as well. My god Georgia sucks. What is it with this place and bugs. It's a first for many things...

First time I've had Palmetto bugs coming into the house consistently (and I lived in FL for 10 years)

First time that I got bit by a tick or make it TWO ticks...

First time I got lice.

WTF...

So now I've got to get rid of these things and it's not going to be easy and I hate hard.