a little disappointed

that i didn't meditate last night. i was so exhausted when I finally got to bed that i just went straight to sleep. i really want to meditate every night...it's the third day and i haven't done it more than once and that one time it was interrupted. Today I'm afraid isn't going to be much better. I got up super early and I'm so exhausted. I don't know if i'll have time for a nap. today i'm heading over to my new friend Joyce so that her husband, who i don't know his name (although i know it begins with J) will change my oil in the car and help with some minor repairs. the new car needs a lot of work...not as much (i think) as the caddy. the caddy's got a ton of work that needs to get done. i'm thinking we're going to need at least 3K to get all the work done on both vehicles. oh well...that's the way the cookie crumbles. the goal today is meditate for 5 minutes without interruption!

meditation

last night i had a long talk with mary...first in over a year. it was a nice conversation and she suggested and taught me how to mediate. So last night after I got dax to sleep i sat down in my little corner in our room...lit a candle...and started to meditate. i think i was really doing a good job but of course kai came in and interrupted me about half way through. in his defense (my mantra) he didn't know what i was doing. but he didn't leave right away seeing what i was trying to do and giving me some time either. he hated the fact i even called my sister.

i'm so stressed out that my stomach is killing me. i haven't really eaten too much in a couple of days. i hate feeling like this. what a bummer.

i guess i should tell the story but i'm so exhausted i don't have the energy to get into it. not that i want to remember this time. it really is a shit time for us right now. sometimes i wonder if i need to leave kai to make things better...but then again...it could make things worse.

so tonight i'll try and meditate again...i'm so exhausted though...i wonder if i'll be able to do it. i'll keep you posted on how the meditation progresses.

inspired

for years i've wanted woman friends. I would watch movies and feel the pangs of jealousy because i never had good friends that were also woman. Today I consider many woman good friends. I have ladies that I can call and I know if they are available will talk with me about anything that is wrong. These woman are across this country and even across the ocean. I feel lucky to have these woman in my life.

Today I talked with a woman who is having some serious personal problems with drugs. She's actually going into rehab. but she took time out to listen to my problems and offer some advice. advice that I think is worthwhile and I should follow up on.

It's time for me to find myself and do what is right for me. I'm tired of always being scared and not wanting to deal with anything. i don't deal with anything that is unpleasant in my life...although, it's not pretty what i have to deal with. it's shit that is a mile high. Luckily, i know that there are people out there that care about me and will always be there. I'm not worried about losing these people as friends and i'm not worried about being stabbed in the back. It's amazing how petty people can be but not my friends. My true friends are always there and always willing to be honest.

It's a nice feeling.